It wasn't that...

Rating: PG13
Characters: Faith
Disclaimer: Not mine, it's all Joss Whedon's fault.
Warnings: mildly femslash, spoilers for the 3rd season finale

It wasn't that you were here when I wasn't, for years, for months, knowing each place and face, when there was room enough for you. An empty place was waiting for you in the library and that pair was definitely waiting for someone else. When I arrived everything was complete and my place wasn't big enough. And no one was waiting for me because no one has thought I'd like to stay.

It wasn't because I was a replacement. The one who came before me hadn't stayed, only when she died, so no one thought I needed a place. But it wasn't that, because I didn't need any welcome party nor friends that weren't mine, nor a name and a mother and marks, exams, high school life. I never wanted to be a cheerleader.

It wasn't that I did my work and you did everything. You always had to know why we were doing it, what was waiting when we ended it and when the fucking world would stop spinning around Hell's Gate.

It wasn't because of him, you can bet. You got the mood, you got the trauma, you got the once-bad guy. And of course it wasn't that you were supposed to kill him, I wouldn't do it myself. Well, maybe I would, but it wasn't that, because you didn't let me and when you did, I didn't want to. Bad, bad, bad synchronization.

It wasn't that I tried harder than ever to give you everything, and you gave it back for a few days, for my surprise. Patrolling, killing, enjoying it. Going out, dancing, enjoying it. Getting closer, falling deeper, screaming louder. And enjoying it. Surprising because I never thought you would, enjoy it. Never thought you'd like it, never thought you'd dance with me. It was easier than I expected and somehow it was better, in a different way. For the first time I wasn't the bad girl because it wasn't my fault, nor yours, so we enjoyed it. At least, as long as it last, and that wasn't too long.

It wasn't that you accused me and I betrayed you. It wasn't that we fought and I tried to kill you and you tried to stop me and nobody else mattered, because it was my game and your crusade. You always thought I needed to be saved and I always knew you liked that way, so I went on and it was just because you loved your part in the play.

It wasn't that you were better than me - 'cause you aren't.

It's just that when the game left me exhausted you were the first to try, and I was the one to fall.